I made it through the sickness. My body and I wouldnt have succumb to such a feat. Still here though..stuck. Havent moved at all in a long time. Another christmas going by, I remember each of the past ones, I remember the chances I missed due to stupidity. I doubt this one will be any different. The families thinnin...Im about the only one left. I know what I have to do though, I can do it..it will just take time. Ive had a dream ever since I was a little boy. Im not going to let myself down. I may not be the smartest man, or the strongest mother fucker, but I have determination, I havent strayed from the path in 10 years. It wont be easy...in fact I really dont know if Ill come back alive, but I couldnt live with myself if I didnt try. Some things are just meant to be.
Have I been defeated?
While I think Im clear of life threatening situations, the cold still lingers. Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow...it will have died down a bit more. Let us hope.
Still up, watching more of the OC. Cant wait to watch it all and fuckin put it behind me...stupid addicting tv shows. I put on some dress clothes today...I didnt feel the same, at all. In fact it felt all too wrong to put that suit back on. I hope I wont have to do it again. Things have gotten so crazy lately! Ive prided myself in not having a care in the world, Im starting to find things worth caring for...perhaps that is the motivation I need, yet I still sit around and do nothing at all, by choice, so it must not be enough right? I hope its enough soon...I dont want to sit on this damn computer any longer. Watching, wasting. Ill admit, Im closer to solutions more so than I ever was before, so I shouldnt be bad mouthing the computer so harshly. I only can sit and wonder what the hell is next, after all this. Nothings the same, and its impossible to go back to the way things were. I thought I had everything I needed, now what I want and what I need are becoming too intertwined. What was once so important not 6 months ago, seems suddenly not so important anymore. I just flippin want you to be happy, all of you. Im so angry everyday I cant make it so, and everyday I witness more and more hurt, physical and emotional. Im not a religious man, perhaps I should be, but in any case, I havent really been at all. I just want to do more good than bad, thats all. I just think everyone is better off without me, could I be using that as an excuse to run? Run where? to what? haha, I got nothing. Im mean! I hurt peoples feelings, I let people down, I cant do everything, I cant make you happy, I know people arent supposed to do everything for someone else, but I cant even manage to do one thing that could maybe, POTENTIALLY, make someones life that much better. Sometimes I feel like I have some allies towards my cause, but at the end of the night, I sleep alone, always. Haha, I just thought of something....this IS my life, its what I make it to be, and now Im thinking of just how hard it will be to make a life for myself, not to mention, what life do I want for myself? Psh..Im answering my own questions...I know what life I want for myself, but Im too much of a weakling to do it. Ive tried for so long...but I can never bring myself to do what needs to be done. Ive had so many opportunities now, and always I become so blinded by the most retarded shit, that seems very awesome at the time. Perhaps Im here to grow up, maybe Im just not ready yet...hahahaha, no..Im just a coward. Im in the prime of my life. THE SPRINGTIME of my youth. There is no better time than now. Maybe somethings wrong with me, youd think after typing that and all that shit, I might feel something, but I still sit at this computer, staring at the screen with the most emotionless, blank stare you might ever see. I see now. The only way for me to get what I want, is to stop fuckin around, and be done with it. Just be on my way, and never look back. Though, that still kind of leaves me at square one. Shit. Ill figure something out I suppose. Time to hit the showers, and go to bed.
Ahhhh, nothing better than life itself.
For certain, if Im unable to help make the lives of the people I care about better, theyll be better off without me. Im trying to appreciate you all just as fuckin much as I can, and I always will.
This is my journal. If you so happen to find it, these are my thoughts. Im not complaining, even if it may sound like I am.
Sometimes I make things so much harder than they have to be. I must enjoy the trouble...I used to strongly believe, life isnt interesting unless things are going as sour as could be. Whats the fun when everything goes the way its supposed too...sure I could make them go as planned, and I could breeze through everything as if it were a walk in the park. I could make all the decisions life throws at me in 2 seconds, but Im sure Id be working at some shitty place right now, hating every second. Instead, I sit here, enjoying my time, reflecting, appreciating. These things mean more to me than work, or school. Understanding all that is, and how people are, is my goal. Though, each day, is like a new kind of hell. A brand new world made only for me, to torment me, everday, all day. Im not complaining, its how I want it, but I figure the point of the livejournal is to say what I really feel, so I suppose I wont hesitate. Its all one in the same really...I do what I can for other people, and in turn I learn more and more about them, and everyone theyve encountered. Each day I learn new things people have done clear across the globe, but Im still angry, angry I couldnt help, angry that I couldnt do anything for them. Needless death, suffering, poverty...and people just treating other people like shit. Yet, I am forced to sit here and do nothing...I want to try, but its very difficult...So the least I can do is spend my days preparing for the time when I decide to set out, and finally help those far less fortunate. Im doing a very poor job of preparing..things have gone so wrong, very quickly. Even then, Ive lived here all my life, with the same people, and I havent been able to help one of them, in fact, Im sure Ive brought them down more than help them. I tried and tried, but all I would get is yelled at, and called many names. Its not there fault, I started it, I tried to help, but of course, it never works out. If I cant even help one person right here, how the hell can I help anyone else. I dont give a shit about money, I want you to be happy! I havent given up..I doubt I ever really will..if theres one thing Ive never given up on, its life. I dont really worry myself with depression, but in turn, the happiness goes too. You cant take one, without taking the counterpart with you. A couple times I have been happy...long ago, but those times have come and gone. Its okay though, as long as Im not sad, I dont need to be happy. Though, completing my dream will finally allow me to reach true happiness. For that time, I cannot wait. For now, Ill pretend, Ill smile for you.