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04 December 2007 @ 07:11 am
The way things were.  

Still up, watching more of the OC.  Cant wait to watch it all and fuckin put it behind me...stupid addicting tv shows.  I put on some dress clothes today...I didnt feel the same, at all.  In fact it felt all too wrong to put that suit back on.  I hope I wont have to do it again.  Things have gotten so crazy lately!  Ive prided myself in not having a care in the world, Im starting to find things worth caring for...perhaps that is the motivation I need, yet I still sit around and do nothing at all, by choice, so it must not be enough right?  I hope its enough soon...I dont want to sit on this damn computer any longer.  Watching, wasting.  Ill admit, Im closer to solutions more so than I ever was before, so I shouldnt be bad mouthing the computer so harshly.   I only can sit and wonder what the hell is next, after all this.  Nothings the same, and its impossible to go back to the way things were.  I thought I had everything I needed, now what I want and what I need are becoming too intertwined.  What was once so important not 6 months ago, seems suddenly not so important anymore.  I just flippin want you to be happy, all of you.  Im so angry everyday I cant make it so, and everyday I witness more and more hurt, physical and emotional.  Im not a religious man, perhaps I should be, but in any case, I havent really been at all.  I just want to do more good than bad, thats all.   I just think everyone is better off without me, could I be using that as an excuse to run?  Run where? to what? haha, I got nothing.  Im mean!  I hurt peoples feelings, I let people down, I cant do everything, I cant make you happy, I know people arent supposed to do everything for someone else, but I cant even manage to do one thing that could maybe, POTENTIALLY, make someones life that much better.  Sometimes I feel like I have some allies towards my cause, but at the end of the night, I sleep alone, always.  Haha, I just thought of something....this IS my life, its what I make it to be, and now Im thinking of just how hard it will be to make a life for myself, not to mention, what life do I want for myself?  Psh..Im answering my own questions...I know what life I want for myself, but Im too much of a weakling to do it.  Ive tried for so long...but I can never bring myself to do what needs to be done.  Ive had so many opportunities now, and always I become so blinded by the most retarded shit, that seems very awesome at the time.  Perhaps Im here to grow up, maybe Im just not ready yet...hahahaha, no..Im just a coward.  Im in the prime of my life.  THE SPRINGTIME of my youth.  There is no better time than now.  Maybe somethings wrong with me, youd think after typing that and all that shit, I might feel something, but I still sit at this computer, staring at the screen with the most emotionless, blank stare you might ever see.  I see now.  The only way for me to get what I want, is to stop fuckin around, and be done with it.  Just be on my way, and never look back.  Though, that still kind of leaves me at square one.  Shit.  Ill figure something out I suppose.  Time to hit the showers, and go to bed.  

Ahhhh, nothing better than life itself.

For certain, if Im unable to help make the lives of the people I care about better, theyll be better off without me.  Im trying to appreciate you all just as fuckin much as I can, and I always will.

Current Location: same ol same ol
Current Mood: indifferentindifferent
Current Music: Three Days Grace - Wake up