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30 November 2007 @ 05:22 pm

Sometimes I make things so much harder than they have to be.  I must enjoy the trouble...I used to strongly believe, life isnt interesting unless things are going as sour as could be.  Whats the fun when everything goes the way its supposed too...sure I could make them go as planned, and I could breeze through everything as if it were a walk in the park.  I could make all the decisions life throws at me in 2 seconds, but Im sure Id be working at some shitty place right now, hating every second.  Instead, I sit here, enjoying my time, reflecting, appreciating.  These things mean more to me than work, or school.  Understanding all that is, and how people are, is my goal.  Though, each day, is like a new kind of hell.  A brand new world made only for me, to torment me, everday, all day.  Im not complaining, its how I want it, but I figure the point of the livejournal is to say what I really feel, so I suppose I wont hesitate.  Its all one in the same really...I do what I can for other people, and in turn I learn more and more about them, and everyone theyve encountered.  Each day I learn new things people have done clear across the globe, but Im still angry, angry I couldnt help, angry that I couldnt do anything for them.  Needless death, suffering, poverty...and people just treating other people like shit.  Yet, I am forced to sit here and do nothing...I want to try, but its very difficult...So the least I can do is spend my days preparing for the time when I decide to set out, and finally help those far less fortunate.  Im doing a very poor job of preparing..things have gone so wrong, very quickly.  Even then, Ive lived here all my life, with the same people, and I havent been able to help one of them, in fact, Im sure Ive brought them down more than help them.  I tried and tried, but all I would get is yelled at, and called many names.  Its not there fault, I started it, I tried to help, but of course, it never works out.  If I cant even help one person right here, how the hell can I help anyone else.  I dont give a shit about money, I want you to be happy!  I  havent given up..I doubt I ever really will..if theres one thing Ive never given up on, its life.  I dont really worry myself with depression, but in turn, the happiness goes too.  You cant take one, without taking the counterpart with you.  A couple times I have been happy...long ago, but those times have come and gone.  Its okay though, as long as Im not sad, I dont need to be happy.  Though, completing my dream will finally allow me to reach true happiness. For that time, I cannot wait.  For now, Ill pretend, Ill smile for you.

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