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31 May 2009 @ 10:48 pm
mm Guess I got some more stuff to vent about on the wonderful L-j.  The fact that Ive backed myself into an intense corner, at the mercy of kindig, the only one left with money, starving me, angering me.  My family isnt gonna do anything I dont think, what a sad state of affairs.  I suppose Ill have to do it, and if that is finally the case, if its time for me, I will more than likely just fade away.  Ive been fading for like 23 years now, Im sure it wont be that difficult to go entirely.  Of course Im not gonna go out like a bitch, but if I dont eat soon Im gonna go whether I like it or not...I suppose thats a little overshot, its not like I dont have food at the moment, but it pains me to eat it anyways, first off, I get lectured on everything I eat cause kindig bought it all, and second its nothing our bodies even wanna use for energy.  Its not lookin to good.  I guess well see what happens with time, I might get to do what Ive always wanted to do a lot sooner.  Perhaps I should let my animal instincts take over, and see what I can do man vs nature.  That is what I want anyways, just not quite as epic battlish.
Current Location: Texas, still
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Faster - Third eye blind
20 May 2009 @ 11:38 pm
I remember..I remember what Im supposed to do, havent forgotten it.  Its pretty difficult I must say though, everyday I live with doubt in my mind about my abilities..whether Ill amount to what Id hoped too.  Only time will tell, and that time is running thin, always will time tell, tell when youve failed, succeeded, or just plain wasted your time.  I think Im a bit of the latter...I wasted a lot of my prime doing nothing but the things I wanted to do, which werent very rewarding in any way, now that I think back, I didnt really gain anything...maybe a little smarter but if I cant even do one little thing, then where was the 4 years of knowledge going.  Im not quite sure, maybe I expended it in the things Ive done, or maybe I believe Im not any smarter than I was 4 years ago.  All I know is, I still have the dream, I still have the ambition, I just need to do it.  Time in texas is perhaps nearing its end, it was awesome while it lasted.  Ive been thinking...when/if we all decide to drive back on up to michigan, perhaps Ill just say no, see you guys later, I dont think Ill be going home.  Im wondering how people will label this, will I be a homeless person?  Ponder this then, is he called a homeless person if he has a home to go back too, he just walked away from it and never looked back?  Im pretty sure thats just a wanderer, or traveler.  If you havent figured it out yet, yep, thats what I want to do, wander the earth and help people with my own two hands.  See, I try to do as much good as I can where Im at, but there are so many things wrong with that statement, its ridiculous.  For the record, I do TRY n do as much good as I can, but hear me out here.  I have lot of friends and we all drink n smoke and whatever, and shit happens, I say something maybe I shouldnt have, do something maybe I shouldnt have, and people are hurt.  Never seriously of course, but perhaps down the line it might have some effect.  In any case, basically, I think its better for the people Im around that Im not around anymore, even though I am there leader.  Ive always been there for my bros, but I think that time is over now, I need to get there myself someday, and anymore waiting and I might never make it.  I figure if I go out there, alone, and help, I wont have anyone to influence in a demeaning manner, and simply use the two hands I have to help them with all Im worth.  Im certain whoever is watchin at that time, will know I am an honorable fellow.  Perhaps then when I meet them all again, Ill be able to look them in the eyes.  I suppose thats it for now, I wonder if Ill get back on here before our time in Texas is over.  Until then, Ill wait diligently, but I hope I make the right decisions.  Soon the time for decisions will come once again, do what youve always done my friend, the right thing.
Current Location: Oak meadows!
Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
Current Music: Faces - Scary Kids Scaring Kids
15 March 2009 @ 09:16 pm
How long its been since a post...Its so interesting to look back on the things Ive typed.  The things that Ive thought about, I wonder if at all I really took them to heart, I read them, understand them, but do I REALLY follow them?  I try year after year, and in texas now, has it brought me peace? Id have to say no...what have I done wrong?  I know the answer...you should have done what you planned on doing from the start.  No matter though, even after these years, I still have the dream, the determination, I HAVE NOT forgotten.  Someday I will leave this place, free of debt, erased from this world, and during that time, I will spend my days finding true strength, true ability, and true mental fortitude.  I smoke, I drink, like always, but I have not forgotten...even my hunger for women has continued, but I subdue it with proper guidance.  Youve had a few relationships now, once when you started this journal, and once at the end.  Now here I sit, thousands of miles away from them, and not a bit happier, not a bit sadder, same as always.  I dont know why I havent been able to pick up and leave like I have planned, am I scared, am I too weak?  Im not sure, but I still believe, Ill try, even die doing so if thats what it takes.  Youve worked a lot these past few years, almost going on a year at this place...adults always tell you to get a job, see the real world, did they think I was so naive that I didnt see it while I was with them?  What I saw was childishness, in a time needing attention, I saw nothing but childishness.  It was then I realized that they were always no different from anyone else, and everyone is practically the same, people just grow up thinking they are liike 20x's better than everyone else.  I dont think Im better, but you know what, Id like to think I have realized a few things that most havent, but in the end, its not like that matters any more than it should, if I dont use it.  How can I use it? How can I prove it to all them?  I dont know, the answers I search for everyday are still not within reach.  The point is...since 2005 you havent moved an inch...when are you going to take a step forward ROSS! WHEN? Im not quite sure...but I hope its one HELL of a stride.
Current Location: Texas
Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
Current Music: Coheed n Cambria
21 December 2007 @ 09:55 pm

I made it through the sickness.  My body and I wouldnt have succumb to such a feat.  Still here though..stuck.  Havent moved at all in a long time.  Another christmas going by,  I remember each of the past ones,  I remember the chances I missed due to stupidity.  I doubt this one will be any different.  The families thinnin...Im about the only one left.  I know what I have to do though, I can do it..it will just take time.  Ive had a dream ever since I was a little boy.  Im not going to let myself down.  I may not be the smartest man, or the strongest mother fucker, but I have determination, I havent strayed from the path in 10 years.  It wont be easy...in fact I really dont know if Ill come back alive, but I couldnt live with myself if I didnt try.   Some things are just meant to be.

11 December 2007 @ 03:16 am

Have I been defeated?

Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: Trapt - Stories
10 December 2007 @ 03:03 am

While I think Im clear of life threatening situations, the cold still lingers.  Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow...it will have died down a bit more.  Let us hope.

Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: Anberlin - Adelaide
08 December 2007 @ 08:02 pm
This sickness I have is like none other.  I am fearing for my life. 
Current Location: home
Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: Senses fail - Martini kiss
04 December 2007 @ 07:11 am

Still up, watching more of the OC.  Cant wait to watch it all and fuckin put it behind me...stupid addicting tv shows.  I put on some dress clothes today...I didnt feel the same, at all.  In fact it felt all too wrong to put that suit back on.  I hope I wont have to do it again.  Things have gotten so crazy lately!  Ive prided myself in not having a care in the world, Im starting to find things worth caring for...perhaps that is the motivation I need, yet I still sit around and do nothing at all, by choice, so it must not be enough right?  I hope its enough soon...I dont want to sit on this damn computer any longer.  Watching, wasting.  Ill admit, Im closer to solutions more so than I ever was before, so I shouldnt be bad mouthing the computer so harshly.   I only can sit and wonder what the hell is next, after all this.  Nothings the same, and its impossible to go back to the way things were.  I thought I had everything I needed, now what I want and what I need are becoming too intertwined.  What was once so important not 6 months ago, seems suddenly not so important anymore.  I just flippin want you to be happy, all of you.  Im so angry everyday I cant make it so, and everyday I witness more and more hurt, physical and emotional.  Im not a religious man, perhaps I should be, but in any case, I havent really been at all.  I just want to do more good than bad, thats all.   I just think everyone is better off without me, could I be using that as an excuse to run?  Run where? to what? haha, I got nothing.  Im mean!  I hurt peoples feelings, I let people down, I cant do everything, I cant make you happy, I know people arent supposed to do everything for someone else, but I cant even manage to do one thing that could maybe, POTENTIALLY, make someones life that much better.  Sometimes I feel like I have some allies towards my cause, but at the end of the night, I sleep alone, always.  Haha, I just thought of something....this IS my life, its what I make it to be, and now Im thinking of just how hard it will be to make a life for myself, not to mention, what life do I want for myself?  Psh..Im answering my own questions...I know what life I want for myself, but Im too much of a weakling to do it.  Ive tried for so long...but I can never bring myself to do what needs to be done.  Ive had so many opportunities now, and always I become so blinded by the most retarded shit, that seems very awesome at the time.  Perhaps Im here to grow up, maybe Im just not ready yet...hahahaha, no..Im just a coward.  Im in the prime of my life.  THE SPRINGTIME of my youth.  There is no better time than now.  Maybe somethings wrong with me, youd think after typing that and all that shit, I might feel something, but I still sit at this computer, staring at the screen with the most emotionless, blank stare you might ever see.  I see now.  The only way for me to get what I want, is to stop fuckin around, and be done with it.  Just be on my way, and never look back.  Though, that still kind of leaves me at square one.  Shit.  Ill figure something out I suppose.  Time to hit the showers, and go to bed.  

Ahhhh, nothing better than life itself.

For certain, if Im unable to help make the lives of the people I care about better, theyll be better off without me.  Im trying to appreciate you all just as fuckin much as I can, and I always will.

Current Location: same ol same ol
Current Mood: indifferentindifferent
Current Music: Three Days Grace - Wake up
02 December 2007 @ 06:28 am
Had an OC marathon today, it was pretty interesting.  I enjoy watching shows that interest me, haha I suppose most people do right?  Though, I dont watch as many things as other people do.  My mind is very clustered right now...one second Im thinking something, the next its the complete opposite.  Ive been trying to make things a bit better around here, but it seems everything I do is being taken away by someone else, but I did state in my previous post, things arent interesting unless they are going as sour as could be.  Usually though, when they get as sour as could be, Ill work my way back up to a great medium, before, of course, I seem to mess it all up again.  Im a fool,  I realize this.  Im so angry...I can barely fake a smile these days.  Im poor, I cant do the things I want to do, I only have my hands.  I never really wanted an extravagant life, or anything of the like, and I used to think being poor is something I could always work through, even if I had to be homeless, now that Im here though, I see why its hard. Not impossible, but hard, I try to do my best to understand, and Ive come to terms with the fact that I dont have money, and I dont get to have the luxury most normal people do.  Soon Im sure even the internet will go, its just a matter of time, Im lucky I have it now, thats why I decided to at least document a few days.  Still havent really made any progress on the goals.  Im sick and its really starting to anger me, I just want it to go away...but everytime it goes away, I hit another bump, and it fuckin sets me back further and further...I shouldnt use sickness as an excuse I suppose...Im not one to do that anyways.  Its simply coming down to laziness.  I have nothing I feel is worth getting off my ass for, I guess.  Wow, thats a pretty good realization there...except Im kidding myself.  I get off my ass all the time, but never to help myself.  I keep on saying I can take this shit..but its getting to me...I thought I could do it, but...everytime I try...I just seem to shoot myself in all the wrong places, over and over and over again.

This is my journal.  If you so happen to find it, these are my thoughts.  Im not complaining, even if it may sound like I am.
Current Location: The humble abode
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: All american rejects - move along
30 November 2007 @ 05:22 pm

Sometimes I make things so much harder than they have to be.  I must enjoy the trouble...I used to strongly believe, life isnt interesting unless things are going as sour as could be.  Whats the fun when everything goes the way its supposed too...sure I could make them go as planned, and I could breeze through everything as if it were a walk in the park.  I could make all the decisions life throws at me in 2 seconds, but Im sure Id be working at some shitty place right now, hating every second.  Instead, I sit here, enjoying my time, reflecting, appreciating.  These things mean more to me than work, or school.  Understanding all that is, and how people are, is my goal.  Though, each day, is like a new kind of hell.  A brand new world made only for me, to torment me, everday, all day.  Im not complaining, its how I want it, but I figure the point of the livejournal is to say what I really feel, so I suppose I wont hesitate.  Its all one in the same really...I do what I can for other people, and in turn I learn more and more about them, and everyone theyve encountered.  Each day I learn new things people have done clear across the globe, but Im still angry, angry I couldnt help, angry that I couldnt do anything for them.  Needless death, suffering, poverty...and people just treating other people like shit.  Yet, I am forced to sit here and do nothing...I want to try, but its very difficult...So the least I can do is spend my days preparing for the time when I decide to set out, and finally help those far less fortunate.  Im doing a very poor job of preparing..things have gone so wrong, very quickly.  Even then, Ive lived here all my life, with the same people, and I havent been able to help one of them, in fact, Im sure Ive brought them down more than help them.  I tried and tried, but all I would get is yelled at, and called many names.  Its not there fault, I started it, I tried to help, but of course, it never works out.  If I cant even help one person right here, how the hell can I help anyone else.  I dont give a shit about money, I want you to be happy!  I  havent given up..I doubt I ever really will..if theres one thing Ive never given up on, its life.  I dont really worry myself with depression, but in turn, the happiness goes too.  You cant take one, without taking the counterpart with you.  A couple times I have been happy...long ago, but those times have come and gone.  Its okay though, as long as Im not sad, I dont need to be happy.  Though, completing my dream will finally allow me to reach true happiness. For that time, I cannot wait.  For now, Ill pretend, Ill smile for you.

Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: Senses Fail - NJ falls into the atlantic